LOST PIANO CANYON

A true* story of the namesake of the Cleveland National Forest, U.S. President Grover Cleveland
By Michael E. Hartmann

The Cleveland National Forest in Southern California is named in honor of U.S. President Grover Cleveland. Surprisingly, very little has been written over the years as to precisely why the forest was named for our 22nd President. Speculation abounds as to the reason why the forest bears his name ... some believe Cleveland conquered the territory in the war, while others assume he was born in the forest and cultivated the land for crops of turnips, beets and barley. But history reveals that Grover Cleveland, before he occupied the esteemed Oval Office, had numerous dealings in the forest and traversed the area on a regular basis for business, pleasure, and need. One of the most intriguing, yet little known stories, involves the future President personally hauling a piano through a rugged canyon in the forest for his fiancé, writer Emily Dickinson. Thanks to the tireless efforts of drunk historians and the modern miracle of the Information Superhighway, this enthralling story can now be told.

Future President Grover Cleveland met writer Emily Dickinson in the Southern California boomtown of Temecula in August of 1870. Dickinson had witnessed Sheriff Cleveland single-handedly break up a bar fight between unruly miners and drunk bullwhackers on the night of the 24th. She later wrote it was “love at first sight” after she saw Cleveland hurl two men through a saloon window onto Front Street. After introducing herself to Grover, the two began a courtship that at the time was considered rushed and improper. She proposed to him within the hour, and the dumbstruck Cleveland heartily accepted. Some researchers suggest Cleveland’s acceptance was based strictly on his assumption that Dickinson was well-off, and made the decision to support his expensive eight-tankards-of-beer-per-day habit. Others experts staunchly disagree, and assert the proposal was accepted solely out of his need to maintain his expensive bourbon and scotch habit. Regardless, the two agreed to leave town and find a suitable place to marry.

After departing Temecula by wheeled stagecoach on August 25, 1870, Cleveland and Dickinson headed north toward the Owens Valley. Miss Dickinson’s cousin Hildegard had telegraphed Emily with an invitation to have the ceremony performed in her backyard beer garden, as it overlooked the beautiful Owens Lake in the hamlet of Cartago. Grover was particularly pleased with the arrangement. Additionally, he had prior connections to the Owens Valley, as he had pursued infamous gunman John Wesley Hardin through the Alabama Hills the previous year on a warrant for defrauding a bedpan maker and stealing a lame horse.

Prior to leaving Temecula, Grover had stressed to Emily the importance of making the 250 mile passage as quickly as possible to avoid attack by Indians and bandits. Researchers now agree that Cleveland’s desire to make a rapid journey probably correlated directly with his inability to haul 100 gallons of beer in the stagecoach, although he required 100 gallons of beer for subsistence to travel the 250 miles. Grover took only his fiddle, his dueling pistols, and a moderate supply of spirits, as he had granted Emily most of the storage space in the coach for her possessions.

Eager to start a new life in Cartago, Cleveland was pleased to be on the road headed north. But Dickinson had heard of the beauty of a nearby wildflower-laden canyon and insisted they temporarily detour on foot to observe its glorious serenity. She explained to the future President that her best writings were conceived from being “one with nature,” where peace and solitude prevailed, as opposed to the noise and dust on bumpy roads. Grover thought the detour unwise but agreed when Emily persisted. She claimed that traversing the canyon would be a “lovely jaunt through God’s country.” The trip, however, nearly turned disastrous.

Upon entering the canyon (today known as San Mateo Canyon), Emily insisted her prized Dietz Belgium upright piano go with her. The piano, she stated, offered further inspiration for her writings, as she played Mozart to relax between creative sessions. This came as a surprise to Cleveland, who when asked earlier by his fiancé if it was acceptable to bring her piano, thought she said “potato,” and agreed. As Grover now eyed the piano and estimated it’s weight to be upward of 600 pounds, he politely protested and suggested that laborers take the piano by road straight to Cartago. But the piano was destined to go with it’s proud owner. “I trust the safe passage of my cherished instrument only to you, my love,” Emily was heard to exclaim. Grover flexed his muscles for his soon-to-be bride and smiled, but was soon after spotted rolling his eyes skyward and pulling the cork from a large bottle of whiskey.

Laborers hired to haul Emily’s other belongings later noted that Grover became increasingly agitated by personally freighting the piano over the unexpectedly rough terrain (see photo below). Grover lost his grip on the instrument twice in the first morning while bringing it downhill along the Tenaja creek drainage, but somehow managed to stop it from tumbling over the cliff (this event alone probably contributed heavily to the severe arthritis Cleveland was afflicted with later in life). After twisting his ankle on a rocky slope on day two of the excursion, Grover remarked to one S. Gierasch, “Only bourbon will get me through this hell.” 

Well into day two, some in the labor party became concerned with Mr. Cleveland’s well being as he looked “poorly” and appeared to have soiled the front of his trousers. “It was, however, difficult to say with certainty ... it was well over 100 degrees and he was drenched with sweat from head to toe,” one man later said. Gierasch was troubled with the condition of the piano as it was covered with dirt and the wood at the base was splitting apart on all sides. When he attempted to intervene by assisting, Cleveland shouted, “Get the hell away from me, you jackass!" In the meantime, others had to forcefully scare away an angry mountain lion which Emily had, in a moment of questionable judgement, attempted to befriend and feed.

Three days into the difficult journey Grover became incensed over hauling the piano up and down steep switchbacks and through swollen creeks while Emily skipped along the trail, singing. Cleveland noticed that his fiance did not play the piano a single time on the journey, nor did she, for that matter, offer any help or even words of encouragement. His legs cut and torn from abrasive contact with thorns, cacti and jagged rocks, Grover began to verbally berate the bushes and was seen laughing hysterically while drinking straight from a bottle of scotch.

On the afternoon of the third day, an unfortunate event befell the future President. As he lifted one end of the piano over a boulder, he was viciously stung in the middle of his forehead by a large orange wasp. Unable to release his grip on the unwieldy instrument as the aggressive insect landed above his eyes, he was attacked as he shook his head in an attempt to shoo the offending wasp away. Struck with immediate, searing pain, Grover dropped the piano on his feet and let loose with a broadside of cursing that a witness claimed “started a small avalanche.” Emily, concerned that her piano may have sustained damage in the drop, asked Grover, “Is the instrument safe, my darling?” and then remarked about how intriguing the wildlife in the canyon was. Cleveland stood motionless, the welt on his forehead growing larger, as Dickinson danced down the trail with an imaginary partner. Struck with disbelief that his future bride made no inquiry into his well being, coupled with the fact he noticed he was standing in a huge anthill full of angry red ants, Cleveland proceeded to smash his fiddle against a rock. Fatigue, dehydration, and the insect assault were taking their toll on the future President.

Two hours after sunrise on a blistering August 29, 1870, Grover was seen talking to himself, eating dirt and shouting unintelligible insults at insects while wearing his pants on his head. Witnesses claim Emily was enjoying herself immensely, collecting wildflowers and sketching birds. Yet the future President seemed to be on the brink of insanity.

After an unexpected downpour in which Emily insisted that Grover protect the Dietz Belgium upright from potential rain damage, Grover snapped. He was heard to exclaim, “Horseshit! I’ll be damned if I’m going to move this [expletive] contraption one more inch!”  The angry remark caught Emily completely by surprise, as she appeared to have been in exceptionally good spirits throughout the canyon excursion (two men later claimed Emily was "drunk as a skunk" the entire time, and claim they personally witnessed her guzzling booze for three days straight, albeit in manner she attempted to conceal from view). Thoroughly oblivious to Grover’s previous and current plight, a shocked Dickinson called Grover a "fat, slow, horses's ass" and a “thoughtless, fiddle-playing son-of-a-bitch.” Grover, a vein in his forehead noticeably throbbing, responded by calling her an “ignorant, blind, selfish cow” (although others heard “sow”). Grover seethed with anger and stormed away, cursing, while Emily prepared a picnic lunch and read poetry to nearby animals. The future President later wrote, “The entire situation was asinine. I wanted to impress my bride with my strength and fortitude, but that degraded into a downward spiral toward the insane asylum. I had begun to question my sanity for partaking in such lunacy.”

The final night in the canyon was relatively calm, comparatively, yet a feeling of malaise existed among the few unfortunate enough to be witness to the entire incident. Emily, for the first time yet, enthusiastically played Mozart on her piano after dark as a group of coyotes howled maniacally somewhere in the distance. Grover paced back and forth on a hillside while moaning and sobbing, silhouetted by the moonlight. “It was a bizarre and frightening sight to behold, with Mr. Cleveland wailing as the sound of Mozart emanated through the canyon,” said one man. Gierasch recorded in his journal that although Emily later seemed content pretending to iron clothes and humming a tune until sleep overcame her, Grover’s behavior could only be described as “peculiar”. He claimed that while drenched in sweat and hugging a huge boulder at the crest of a hill, the future President wove a tapestry of bizarre ramblings that perplexed those subject to them. Shouting orders for his subordinates to “bring up my soup and dispense my slippers,” Grover ordered an unseen regiment to attack General Longstreet’s brigade before the rebels could seize his bourbon supply, steal his therapeutic papers and desecrate his favorite rug. Singing lines from “Bringing in the Sheaves” and warning of a visit from Abe Lincoln’s ghostly apparition, he eventually fell asleep ... but not before mistaking the camp drinking water supply for the privy.  

The next morning, as Grover came to his senses, he hastily informed Emily that the upright was “lost” and that he was unable to locate it. Stunned and confused, Emily wept as they continued north without the piano. Grover later claimed that he became disoriented in the thick brush and was overcome with the vapors while searching for the instrument. In all likelihood, however, Grover pushed the piano over a cliff in a drunken rage. The piano was never found.

Despite their differences, the couple was wed two days later at Tenaja Falls, just two miles north of the infamous canyon. After the near-fatal excursion and wedding ceremony, the newlyweds completed their journey to the Owens Valley where they purchased a small home in Cartago. There the Cleveland’s studied acorn copulation and the latest advancements in soup dispensing until their separation in 1873. Dickinson later blamed the parting on Cleveland’s “insatiable obsession with vampires, fiddle-playing, and Abe Lincoln’s ghost.” Historians now suspect that heat exhaustion, dehydration, physical and mental stress, and the copious consumption of spirits by both parties contributed to their bizarre behavior during the infamous piano episode. 

* This story may not be true.